MRI

After they scanned your skull,
I took you home, and I bathed you.

I poured cupfuls of hot water over your hair.
You barely moved, but the water churned,
turned murky with suds and bubbles:
small squall waves crashed on your thighs.

I scrubbed your scalp with my fingertips,
explored the contours of your cranium,
the tiny bumps I’ve never seen, but will.

I thought of the map of your brain
the oncologist placed on the backlight,
of the white mass he touched his finger to,
knowing, even before he spoke a word,
what it said:

Here There Be Monsters.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Monogamy

You’ve asked me if I love you
monogamously.

No. No.

I love you when I find your hands
in a barista pouring a cup of coffee,

when your laugh bubbles up
from the mouth of a flight stewardess
30,000 feet above New Mexico.

I love you when your smile
peeks out on a grandmotherly
grocery-store cashier’s lips,
because you might be twenty-three,
but you have a smile born in 1939.

Every woman I fall in love with is you;
you are every woman I fall in love with.

Minnows

Your father’s truck
coughed once and died
and he rumbled out
to clank and bang and curse
beneath the hood.

We sweated
on the bench seat.
We said nothing,
sat hip to hip,
your skinny bare leg
pressed beside mine.

You still smelled
of the springs: fresh and cold
and full of minnows

and in my head
I begged the truck
to stay broken

and buoy this moment
until you were done
swimming through me.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Radio Silence

It is not just a quiet.

It is a fog bank,
and through it you fumble,
grasping at things that are not there:
the phantom pings of new emails
that have not arrived, the
I-could-have-sworn-I-felt-it buzz
of a cellphone receiving a text
from seven hundred miles away.

Your heart leaps up
and then your heart sits back down.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Photograph

I have one picture of you still,
out of all the ones I took of you.

Just one,
taken down by the water
at Little Bear Creek
and you are out of focus,
turning away,
half-obscured by your hair
and smiling.

I have lost all the others
and kept this one
because
it is how I remember you:

a blur
and the shape
of your lips.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Sundown

Tonight, I watched the sun bleed
down through the trees: burnt orange,

yellow, long amber horizon cracked
and splintered with silhouettes

of trees. Winter is passed, and those
silhouettes swell day by day, cropping

out in tiny bursts of leaf-shape shadows.
Inch by inch, the day melts dark.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Scribblehead

In the silence
after we finished fighting
you grabbed your notebook
and drew a picture of a girl
with a big black ball of scribbles
for a head.

You stabbed her with your finger
and you said “Look, look, this is me.
I am all tangled up. I am messy,
I am a mess. I cannot sort myself out.

I don’t know the way out
of this labyrinth of my head,”

and then you threw your notebook down
and went to bed, you left me to flip
through your sketches,
trying to think of a way to tell you
my poems are self-portraits
with scribbles for heads, too.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

The Unwanted Spring

The weather crouches
and readies herself to leap
into the basin of warmth and rain.
She loosens the towel of winter
at her waist and lets it fall.

I wish I were a lifeguard.
I wish I could loose a shrill blast
from an orange whistle,
seize her wrist,
close the pool:
lock us on the cusp
of the last cold snap,

all because spring is coming
and all the days of it
will slip by
with you in your city
and I in mine.

My hand is empty.
How can I walk
through the garden
and show you
the fresh buds ready to burst?
the purple gillyflower,
the pink ranunculus,
the white lisianthus
with the tips of her petals
dipped in paint?

The bees like little doctors
have begun their rounds,
and today, a grasshopper
tanned his long legs
on the porch rail.
Pause the seasons
until you are here
and I can share these
little beauties of life
with you.

I don’t ask much.
Let weather only wait
until we are together again —
then she can dive,
then can spring wash us
in hot greenery,
in the blossom of the sun.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

Trees of Life

I saw on the news
that scientists have learned
to grow the cells of a heart muscle
in the cellulose left behind
when you suck out
everything that makes
a leaf of spinach
    a leaf of spinach.

Hollowed out, limp white, the ghosts
of greenery can be seeded
with the tiniest dose
of humanity, a scattering
of frightened cells that grasp
the vascular scaffold
and cling for dear life —
these wisps of blood remember
another time when we huddled like this,
against the walls of ventricular caves
back before time had a name —
our cells huddle and cling
until plant and muscle merge
and chlorophyll learns
to give up sunlight and sustain
itself on the thu-thump thu-thump
of pulse and bloodflow.

It turns out you can transform
all sorts of vegetation into veins: parsley,
sweet wormwood, arterial jewelweed —
even the straight column from twig or stick
can be worried down to translucent shell
and taught to become a vessel of blood.

That night I slept and dreamt
of red vines that crept aortic at my ankles,
of lush capillary jungles, flooded, throbbing,
of a garden of wild muscle —

a place where the sun rises cardiac,
red on petals engorged, a place where,
when rain showers gently down,
you can stroll among the stems,

run the tips of your fingers across
the veins of the leaves,
and feel heartbeats in the blossoms,
in the four-chambered pistil and stamen,
in the breath of pollen, a mist like copper.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.

This Tiny Thing Sleeps

This tiny thing sleeps on my chest,
fitful sleep,
his mewlings birthed by
what dreams I cannot imagine.
The curving sole of his foot,
pressed against my hand,
lacks the callous of tomorrow,
lacks the cracked abrasions
we older souls
borrow from the ground.

His mother tends his sister upstairs,
and I am left with this
unfamiliar child
clinging to me,
left grasping for lullabies
I don’t remember how to sing,
and I fear the gallop
of my unsettled heart
beneath his head will wake him.

His fist encircles my broad finger–
and my finger has never before seemed broad–
with the surprising strength of infancy.
His head settles
into the cradle curve of my throat,
and he is quiet,
he is quiet,
a tiny thing asleep on my chest.

This poem was originally published under the pen name Gabriel Gadfly.